Ahh the holidays. What a jolly time of year. Everyone is either decorating with lights or shopping or singing merry Christmas carols. There’s always an office party to look forward to where you get to wear that ugly sweater and talk about what vacation you want to go on.. There’s really only one way to accurately describe Christmas. That is, unless your heart is two sizes too small.
But even if you have resting grinch face and want to steal x-mas, you’ve come across the hardest working elves south of the north pole. We’ve made sure that there won’t be any nightmares before Christmas so you never need to go searching for gift ideas again. Because let’s face it, dad can never have enough cool socks.
I know what you’re thinking- You serious, Clark? While I couldn’t be more serious, don’t be a cotton-headed ninny muggins and forget the reason for the season is actually a birthday celebration...I think (or, if you like the baby version of Jesus the best, this is for you).
For the sake of your Christmas, I suggest you don’t stop believing in Santa Claus. If you do, you’re in for some bad news. If you are on the Ho3 sleigh, then it’s important I tell you a couple little secrets about jolly old Saint Nicholas… he likes big bulbs and is extremely well hung. Ladies, make sure there are cookies out on Christmas Eve, if you know what I mean. It’s not like abstinence is even 100% effective*!
L’chaim, bitches and to all a good night.